Crossroads and lessons learned

You know how annoying it is when someone posts a really vague status update on Facebook, but never gives any real details and you wonder why did they even post that? Yeah, so this story is kind of like that. No specifics or clear examples because it involves my personal, real life. But one day I’ll be reading over this blog/journal and I want to remember the lesson God’s been teaching me.

So the saying goes, be careful what you wish for, but in my case, be careful what you pray for. There are certain areas in my life where I know that I’m weak, certain scenarios in my life where I have learned the hard way over and over again. Recently, I found myself at that same familiar crossroad, where I desire a specific path. But I clearly know God’s telling me, no, that’s not for you, go this way. There have been so many times I’ve faced this exact same road and I have gone my own way and tried to make it work, but it always falls apart. And then I’m picking up the pieces and promising that next time I’ll get it right.

So this time, here I’ve been, my thoughts constantly dwelling on that thing I want. It was consuming me and I started rationalizing with the Lord how he could make what I wanted work. He could make this path be for me, right? Please tell me I’m not the only one who has these crazy arguments with God. 

So finally, after wrestling with this for a while, and my desire only getting stronger, I just got real before the Lord and confessed how badly I wanted it and how I was feeling compelled toward the wrong decision. Knowing my sin tendencies, I confessed that I’m weak and asked God to take the decision out of my hands. If it wasn’t for me, then slam that door shut, where there’s not even a decision to make on my part. 

Be careful what you pray for. Just a few days later, that door slammed shut so hard, that it felt like a kick in the gut. I couldn’t help but laugh and think why did I pray that? This sucks. It really sucks right now, but I know one day in the very near future, I’m going to look in the rearview mirror and be so glad He took that from my hands. And to be completely transparent, right now I’m pouting at the way it turned out, even though I know that I know His plan is better. It’s just hard!

And before anyone thinks I’m a prayer warrior and God always answers my prayers accordingly, that’s not true. I honestly struggle with prayer and often find myself doubting that God hears my prayer. I can trust the power of someone else’s prayer all day long. 

There have been so many times I’ve prayed for doors to be open or windows shut or whatever other analogy you want to use, and I’ve had no clear direction. I have to trust that in the waiting and seeking, God is also teaching me something. 

But in this specific scenario, good grief. Okay Lord, you’ve got my attention. And He’s also gently reminding me “I see you, I hear you. And I give you what’s good for you”. 

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11

"You Are For Me"

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are